Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.
I love Facebook. Believe me, Facebook has probably made it 10x easier to keep in touch with friends that I have, and will not ever, seen in a long time. Just type in the name and BOOM they are right there. I mean how many times do you get curious about that kid that played with dolls in 4th grade and you Facebook him and you find out he is homosexual? I do that on a daily basis.
You know who you are.
Nevertheless, realistically speaking Facebook made it easy to keep in touch with people and has succeeded mainly due to one MAJOR feature they have.
The Stalker (news) Feed.
This feed is the only way that my rants have become this popular. Essentially this could be one gigantic social experiment that you all were my lab rats. I played into people’s curiosity.
Everyone has a little stalker in them. Inside of every person there is a skeevy man waiting to look through a girls window just chilling inside waiting for the proper time to strike. The Stalker feed has taken internet stalking to another level.
The days of going logging on a girls page and reading through her comments and looking at her about me and scowering her pictures for scantily clad ones has ended. Not only that, how depressed did you feel when you logged on and it said –
This page is private.
I know some of you people got depressed as hell when that started. But, Facebook changed all of that. Facebook made it easy for me to stalk high school girls with ease. (I am a brilliant Sex Ed teacher). Not only that they made it hard to even control what made it out into the world. I could post on my about me that I pleasure my self to my own picture three days a week and I would have about 8 ½ wall posts and 5 Honesty Box messages asking me how messed up I am.
Or asking me if I give autographs.
Not only that, how often do you see that five of your friends were tagged in album and you sit there and look through every damn picture? When you are finished looking through the pictures, they cannot tell you a story with out you exclaiming that you heard it already. You feel like you have been there; some people know more about my pictures than they do of me!
I have a brilliant smile.
The Stalker Feed has probably broken up more relationships than anything has. Females are extremely jealous and when they see that 6 of their girlfriends have become friends with the boy they are currently crushing on, well…
A blocking is in order.
Not only that a simple Wall Post can turn into an argument that could shatter the relationship and I love it. Also, you can tell relationship turmoil when every five seconds they are splitting up and getting back together.
I also heard that Facebook has now become the number one excuse for companies to turn away job applicants so does that scare me at all?
No.
They would just know how self centered I am and how sexy my picture MUST be for me to fornicate to it tri-weekly.
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