If you have been paying attention I posted earlier about my complete hatred for children. Not all children, just everyone under the age of 13. Please do not give me that crap that says, “O you were a kid too, you look like a kid, do you not love their cute faces?”. All I am going to say is, “I was never a kid I was always the man, yea I look like a kid and you look like a smut, no I do not like their cute drooled booger filled missing teeth having face.”
Ha. They are just younger crackheads.
Minus the crack.
So here is my account of what terrible things happened today from the times of 9 – 1030 AM.
Setting Field Day. Two school-wide teams, Blue and White, compete for points. Each grade is separated in Blue and White. What does this teach the kids?
Not a Got-damn thing.
9:00 – I arrive at the school. I was listening to They Know – Shawty Lo on the way. Why? Because that song gets me fucking pumped.
9:05 – Everyone is excited to see me. I am very used to this. Not only that, I left the school years ago when I was the man – in 6th grade – so I already knew I was the shit.
9:10 – They assign me to the hula-hoops. In order for the team to win they must all hold hands and move themselves through the hula-hoop with out breaking the hold.
9:15 – The Kindergarten kids move to my station.
9:18 – After getting them settled down I explain the game. It takes years for them to understand. At this age they have no idea. There is no loser because if they lose then they get depressed. I think there should be winners and losers. Why?
Cut off the fat early.
9:20 – First graders arrive.
9:25 – While trying to get the hula-hoop over the last kid, one kid screams out, “HURRY THE FUCK UP WE ARE GOING TO LOSE”. Now, have you ever seen that show Bobby’s World? The kid sounded just like that. Ugh.
9:27 – Second Grade skips me. I hope they burn in the fire of a thousand rulers.
9:30 – Third Grade arrives, and they all ask me if I am “Phillips Brother”. Wtf? I am no ones brother. Everyone should be referred by their relationship to me. For example, Melinda? Your name is Jacques Sister. Andrea? Your name is Jacques Big Boobed Friend. Stephanie? You are Jacques Spanish Speaking Friend. Erin? You are Jacques Irish/Spanish Friend. Bohack? Your Jacques Red Friend. Sam? Your name is Jacques Friend.
9:32 – One of the third graders tells me I have a nice ass. I start looking out for Ted Hanson from Dateline right about now.
9:35 – I am actually interested in this grade. Why? Because they are the first to understand the actual game. What do they do? They go hard. Shit talking and all. I mean, one kid even tried to bet Naruto cards. Continue down that path young man. It will lead you to lots of debt, scandalous women, and more scandalous women.
9:40 – 4th grade arrives and already I am looking to end my life. On the blue team they had this kid that HAD to be a freaking marshmallow. I swear. This little pasty fat girl had the biggest trouble bringing her hula-hoop around her. What happened?
They called her fatty. They said, “FATTY WHAT IS TAKING YOU SO LONG? HURRY UP!!!1”.
What did I do? I laughed. I wanted to laugh in her little face but I did not need to. This other little black kid on the other team, WITH A MOHAWK TOO!!1!!!, laughs in her face as she tries to put it over her. Fantastic!
9:50 – 5th grade arrives and they are all primarily girls. So what does this mean? Well I spotted out the future gay kids in two seconds due to him holding a Barbie doll, and none of them wanted to play. What did I do?
I told them to hold their Got-damn hands and play the game.
Seriously. I was like, HULA. GO! FREAKING HULA NOW!
10:00 – the 6th graders arrive. Little did I know that this game would be the most fun for me. Why? Because I saw how messed up this society is in these little kids. Well I told them to hold hands. You know what they said to me?
“That is mad gay yo.”
Wtf?
Hold hands.
They looked at me as if I had three heads. I could not get guys to hold each others hands. It took about 8 minutes. Finally, I get them to hold hands. What happens? They talk smack. Like hardcore smack.
“You are all going fucking down.
Suck my dick Avery.
Fuck you bitch I hope you take to long to get the hula over you.”
What is going on?!
So I tell them if they do not stop cursing they have to sit down. They all shut up. There is this one quiet kid at the end of the line. The race is getting VERY tight. The one quiet kid leaves the line, and goes to put lotion on his hands because they were ashy. What happens? They lost. What then happened was relentless. They all jump on the kid screaming at him.
“WHY DID YOU NOT PUT LOTION ON BEFORE?
WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU?
YOU KNOW WHY HE DID THIS?? BECAUSE HE IS SMARTER THAN ALL OF US GUYS.
(everyone in unison) FUCK YEA!!! “
So I calm them down. Right now I feel terrible for the kid.
No I am kidding. I did not really care that much. The kid tries to get up but he trips and hurts his hand. The teacher comes and takes him out of the line and to the nurses office. What do they do?
They cheer.
They fucking cheered.
10:20 – 7th grade arrives. They are all in their emo stages boring stages. What do they do? They ask my why my pants are so tight. They ask me why I have !POW! in my head. They ask me if I get a lot of girls in college. They ask me if I have a girlfriend.
Wtf?
10:30 - 8th grade skips me. Why? Because my brother is way to cool for me.
I leave. I cannot believe the day has only just started.
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