6.07.2008

My Daily Rant - 6.07.08 - All Black People Know Each Other

The greatest day in human existence is apon us. Thanks to EVERYONE saying happy birthday to me and I MIGHT (depending on how much time I have this weekend) have something special for all of you.

Well I do not know if you guys remember that yesterday I had a court meeting to decide a 8 month old ticket. One word to say what happened –

Dominated.

I am not going to give the exact details but I must say that the worst feeling in human existence is getting shitted on by a police officer. Now I am not going to say “Fuck Da Police” because that is retarded and extremely hypocritical, but I know I was wrong and hearing him explain that to the judge felt like being raped.

Anally.

Nasty? Very.

On the way there though I figured out that the dude from Degrassi makes music now.

Yes I watched Degrassi. I freaking LOVED that show. If that makes me gay then call me Rupal.

Moving on, he now makes music and listening to it just makes me want to barf. Not even going to sit here and lie to you people, I looked at his picture and it did not help me remember that he was sitting in a wheel chair crying about stupid stuff. Another thing I am not going to say that in the city they really love to cut down my dreams as a black man.

Not about the ticket. McDonalds.

Yes McDonalds. I ordered the Southern Style Chicken Sandwich (it was amazing.) and I asked for extra BBQ sauce and what did they do to me? They told me that I needed to pay for that.

Wow.

Later on I just wrestled with the twins and Vono again and moved on throughout my day. Eventually I moved to hang out with Andrew and kick started my night. Needless to say it was eventful.

We traveled down by Broadway onto Montauk Highway. Now as we stood at a light we saw these two “women” standing there with a camera. I did not think much of it because I was only just hanging out at the time. Then, a man in a kilt walks out and stands next to the ladies and they start recording them. Then Steve points out that one of them has an Adams apple. WOW. Eventually we see that the other is a man too and we have just stumbled on a party of transvestites. What do we decide to do?

We moon them.

The night kind of dragged on because we were meaning to go to the bar and then we did not even end up going. When we did not go, I wanted to go home but Andrew refused to take me. So I was stuck with them and we eventually decided to go to this party in Copiague. On our way there we were completely lost and had no idea how to actually get there but Steve said, “I am nasty at seeing numbers”.

It makes NO sense right? Why do I hang OUT with these people?!

We head to the party and at first, we did not know ANYONE there so we had a decision to make whether to go in or not. What did I say to contribute?

“If you were hood you would just walk your ass in”.

And we did just that. T-Baby also supported my opinion (T-baby was this dude named Taylor who I decided to just start calling T-Baby because I am a complete asshole). Now we ended up leaving the party almost to just come back a few hours later. Now on my way back to the party it hit 12 oclock and everyone started to call me and wish me happy birthday. Thanks people.

Now the night never escalated further than what was expected but Waage did prove a point.

All Black people know each other to some extent.

Now I know this makes no sense, but he proved it that night. These dudes walked into the party and Waage looked at me and said,

“Give them dap you definitely know them”

And guess what happened? I did know them.

“O Shit yo, you are that dude that works at Gamestop with all the crazy designs”

At that moment EVERYONE around me remembered that.

“O YEA YOU WORK AT GAMESTOP”. I swear. Gamestop will never leave me be.

Ugh.


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It is My Birthday

HAHAHAHHAAH

My FUCKING Birthday

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6.06.2008

Fuck the Celtics

I am going to say this ONCE and for all.

Fuck -
The Red Sox
Bruins
Celtics
ESPECIALLY the Patriots.

You have a problem with this? Tell me. Because in all seriousness New York has become the biggest porn star in the history of the world. Why?

TAKE A MAP AND LOOK AT THE MAP. YOU WILL THEN BE ABLE TO SEE NEW YORK SHITTING ON EVERY OTHER PLACE IMAGINABLE. THAT IS A PORNO IT ITSELF.


Now let us remember.

26 World Championships.

Ok?

18-1 ok?

Failing to make the playoffs (Bruins) ok?

KOBE AVERAGING 30PPG THIS NBA FINALS OK?

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My Daily Rant - 6.06.08 - Fuck the Celtics

My birthday is tomorrow. Great. 19 the most boring age in history.

About 8 months ago I received a MONSTER ticket from an MTA Officer coming off the Throgs Neck Bridge. 76 in a 40. Now in three hours I have the courtdate since I decided to fight the ticket. What is going to happen? I am going to be anally raped by the law. Now I am not going to jail, I am just about to get DOMINATED. Great.

Fuck the Celtics

Now as we already know I love my sister.

Well not really because she is a pain and apparently she is kind of attractive so I do not like to bring her places.

“You come here with anyone?”

“Yea but he is only my brother”

DING DING DING.

But she does bring light to my life at times. Yesterday I was just hanging out in the basement writing the rant for the day and she kicks open my door and screams, RAWR!!!!!

Now why was she rawring?

Fuck the Celtics

We needed toilet paper.

Fantastic. What do I do? I decide to take a bottle of water and chuck it at her but it misses her and hits the dog. Now my dog NEVER shuts up. It is like an animalistic version of me.

Cute eh?

So we decided to yell racial slurs at it until it shut up but that did not work as well as I thought it would.

Now I went to work and almost witnessed a lady trying to steal something from me. I hand her the product and five seconds later I see her outside on the phone…with the product in her hand.

Fuck the Celtics

\Wtf?

What is going on with people now a days? What did I do?

“YOU CANNOT WALK OUT WITH THAT. GET BACK IN HERE”.

Fuck the Celtics

She was extremely apologetic but I did not believe it neither did I care. I would have laid the foot down if it came down to it.

Damn.

Eventually I head to Danny’s house to hang out with Kills and Thrills. Nothing happened, but after watching THIS YouTube video I was enlightened to what apparently three things women are good for.


Cooking

Fuck the Celtics

Cleaning

Vagina.

Now I do not believe this at all but it was a great laugh that was had by all. But is that not what life is about?

Fuck the Celtics


Wish me LUCK in court today.



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6.05.2008

My Daily Rant - 6.05.08 - Asians Cannot Type


Gitch611 (3:03:28 PM): its still shoowung up
Gitch611 (3:03:30 PM): tosY\\day
Gitch611 (3:03:32 PM): TIDAYT*
Gitch611 (3:03:34 PM): today*
fuzzhead035 (3:03:35 PM): DAMN
fuzzhead035 (3:03:38 PM): for an asian
fuzzhead035 (3:03:40 PM): you cant type

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Woa.

The extremely funny thing is that no one is really reading this.

Yes!

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My Daily Rant - 6.05.08 - DONT STOP!!!11!!

Birthday is on Saturday.

Well today, I finally decided to just to actually work on the website and Nikole helped me a lot just by curving my laziness. The one thing I did not like about it was the fact that it is still a Blog Spot so that is as far as it will go. Eventually I will move to something else. My sister thought it was cute so that is always a good sign of approval but then again, she is my sister she will say anything.

I had about 4 bowls of Captain Crunch also throughout the entire day.

I swear, those berries are like crack.

Except the cereal scratches the top of my mouth and that hurts a lot.

Ouch.

The twins were eventually coming to get me to wrassle around and apparently an old friend who I have not wooped in a while was going to be there.

Vono.


Now let us remember my history versus this kid.

A resounding 920392-0 in my favor.

Well not exactly since I like to get my ass kicked on a regular basis but that is something for another day.

I drove with Patrick on the way there and I watched as he tried to pick up girls. Well girl. The one girl he tried “holla” at was not even that attractive BUT in his exact words, “You do not need to be hot to get a holla”.

I love this kid.

We pull up to a stop light and he selects his target. As he starts to scream he sees her playing with her fingers. Now Patrick is a lot smarter than he looks but the look on his face throw him off in this case. You would have thought that she had a penis or something but I think he could have gotten around that.

She was deaf and she was signing.

Now there is nothing wrong with that, but Patrick realized something…you cannot “holla” at someone that cannot hear you. We talked about it for a bit and Patrick than passed on the chance and decided to leave it alone.

I think he thought about “signing” a holla. But the only way he would do it would dirty my windows.

We get to the school and Cox eventually meets us there. Two eventful things happened during the wrestling session.

A conversation about our friend, second was floor hockey. Hockey will be talked about later.

Now our friend, “Caveman” will be his name today, was a very influential figure in all of our lives. Without dropping to many hints, basically we were just around him all of the time. Now the hilarious thing about him was just the situations he would get himself into. The story that may follow you might believe but is TRUE.

Caveman the Ecosystem Killer
Now our friend was not a big user of HEAVY drugs but he did his normal experiements. That is what comes with being a teenager on Long Island. Well as we all know most drugs are organic and can be grown/made in ones own room. Let us break the story down.

Acid is the drug which makes you trip like no other. You can make acid apparently because our friend Caveman did. Now from what I know acid needs to be dried? Maybe? Not exactly sure the acid was MADE and left to cure on window sill while caveman went to sleep.

The next morning Caveman woke up and found that he had killed 10 birds and at least 4 cats. How?

Well the birds decided to snack on the acid which immediately killed them, which then the neighborhood cats decided to eat also and killed them too. Is that not cute?

Caveman Goes Down on a Girl

Our friend Caveman is an extremely smart guy. Let us not forget that. But when caveman decides to take drugs he deteriorates into something else.

Caveman is not a bad looking guy and has had his share of girls. One girl will stay in his life for ever though. Caveman started to fellate this girl and well he has a false ego so apparently he thought he was the man.

Now she started shaking and we all know that when you are doing this deed that is a good sign right? Nope, not this girl. Apparently she was in the middle of a seizure. Now Caveman being the caveman he is did not realize this and he just went faster. She told him to “STOP” but come on, who listens to this?

Not Caveman.

Caveman went faster and more into what he was doing. Keep in mind that they were both stoned out of their minds and Caveman did not care. Caveman went faster and this time introduced fingers. She then grabbed his head with her eyes wide open and her mouth foaming and then said, “I AM HAVING A SEIZURE GET MY MEDICATION”.

What did Caveman do? He listened to her answer and then moved to the cabinet to get some meds. What he saw was TONS of medication. What did Caveman do? He picked a random medication, gave it to her, and called for help.

He has not talked to her since.

Fantastic right?

The Hockey story will follow later.





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My Daily Rant - 6.05.08 - Fuck the Celtics



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My Daily Rant - 6.05.08 - DMX

I swear DMX is the scariest nigga alive. Seriously In my life he has the opening credits.

For Real.

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6.04.2008

My Daily Rant - 6.04.08 - Polish Girls Freaking Rule.

Again I announce that the greatest day in human existence is coming up. This day is better than 4/20, Christmas, New Years Day, and Leap Year Day combined. It is the day of the birth Jacques Morel. The rave will happen also so start spiking your hair and listening to your techno.

Also, congratulations to Barack Obama for winning the nomination from the Democratic party. What does that mean? I will be having a Black B Q.

Now lets get to yesterdays events.

Well waking up was kind of tough after my previous techno adventure but my sister wanted to go to Ihop an that is always good enough to wake me up. She had work at two, and we arrived there at 1:15. So she was probably going to be late. Want to know what we did? We ate IHOP man.

We left at 1:35 while we EACH had full breakfasts.

We rule. Plain and simple.

Later on I took Sam to her first All American and found out that my car needs its airbag fixed so as we speak I am driving with out one.

Hell Yea.

Andrew calls me up and tells me that we are going to some Asian bar in Lindenhurst so Malary comes and picks me up. We head to the beach to play some handball like usual and we completely school these two kids in Suicide.

It was actually the opposite.

I have never seen such small children dominate two kind-of grown men in suicide. These kids were calling rules that made no sense and plus, Malary was terribly out of shape and keeping up with those little tar-stains was way to hard. Eventually it was up to me with two outs and the other kid having 1 out. What did he do?

He fucking pegged me with the ball.

Wtf?

He pegs me, touches the wall, then his the wall and screams I am out.

I was about to peg this kids face.

We move past that and head to the bar. We were at some Chinese bar and our bartender spoke less English than an Asian pornstar. The guy seriously looked like Mao Zedong.





Did I mention they did not ID? I love those bars. The seedy disgusting ones that do not ID. Well we moved on in and started with a shot of Blackhaus.

I had to get used to beer since it is my mission this summer and I was getting better at it. This Chinese beer that I had helped out well.

4 Beers and two shots later I was already tipsy and having a good time.

I look over and some random Polish dude is talking to Waage.

“So I have not have sex with her because she likes commitment…”

Waage – “Shut the fuck up and tell me why you have not fucked her yet”

“Well she likes commitment”

“You do not need commitment for anal sex”

“What?”

“Get out of my face your acting like a pussy.”

That was the first Polish encounter of the night. At this moment I had no idea, but apparently the waitress kept on bringing me fortune cookies. I can honestly say I ate about 60 fortune cookies last night. This morning I woke up with about 30 fortunes in my pocket. At this moment I tell Andrew lets go make us some friends so we go and talk to this dude and these other girls on the edge of the bar. Apparently they were polish too. Wtf is going on?

The night gets progressively weirder after that with Waage completely stiffing us on the damn check.

Eventually I manage to order pizza at Mamas with a Dyke looking server. Now while I am fascinated with her haircut Waage is taking my damn pepperoni. I reprimand him and him and Andrew leave us, while Malary and I pick up Steve and head to the beach. Why?

Because that is what we DO on Long Island.

Now I am drunk and Steve is the only sober one. Andrew just starts pissing on a table at the beach before we start a game up, and me, being the angry man that I am, I take the hand ball and peg the shit out of him while he is pissing.

We hear these girls laughing and I immediately start running to their car. It turns out that they saw me peg my friend and thought I was hilarious. One of them is drinking a bottle of Mikes and she gives me one. She has an accent. Guess what I found out.

She was freaking Polish too.

Wtf is going on?!

By now we are all in an intense conversation with them I ask one of them why she smokes and she tells me she smokes slims. I say slims are bitch cigarettes and she says to me, well I am a bitch. I look at her baffled and I say,

“Is that what you call yourself in Poland?”

“Yes”

“Well in America you are a hoe.”

“Hoe?”

“Yes you are my favorite hoe. With your hoe accent you rule”

“Really? Thanks!”

Her friend then decides that me and the Polish chicks conversation was getting to degrading and plus, Andrew had just asked her why she had such big boobs for an Asian chick. She also had to pee and thought that we were going to watch her.

Ew.

What did I learn tonight? Polish people rule.

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My Daily Rant - 6.03.08 - HELL YEA! EXTASY!

Well my birthday is on Saturday. I will be having a party. When? I do not know yet. But this party will be the greatest party in fucking existence. Now as everyone knows, I love techno. So I will be throwing a rave for my birthday. Now before everyone here says, eh, and decides not to come because its techno, there will be other music it will just mostly be techno. Now in order for it to be a true “rave” it MUST be themed. What is the theme?

The Joker.



Date? I do not have one yet, but everyone is invited.

Yesterday started off slow with my washing my car. It is like washing my baby boy that gets dirty every now and then. Eventually the Epic-twins picked me up and we went wrestling. Besides Ryan almost suffering a concussion it was pretty uneventful. But these kids play an important part in my life. I have so many stories with this guy it is ridiculous.

For example, I used to drive a ’94 Corolla. It was a piece of shit but I loved that car. I used to let them drive it all the time just because they were like stunt drivers. One time Patrick took a turn SO fast that all the gas went to one side of the tank and we ran out of gas in the middle of the street. Another time when it was snowing outside we stopped at a stop light. Cleaned the ENTIRE car jumped back in and had enough time to fishtail out of the light.

Fantastic but I have to get back on track. Yesterday went from boring to extremely fun.

We went to the beach to play a little handball and ended up shitting on these kids in suicide.

I love that game.

EDIT* I forgot the add that driving back to go fishing I hit a cat. Yes I ran over a cat. Now we all started freaking out because well...its a fucking cat. I slam on my breaks and I see a ball of hair roll out from under and I freak out. We then look down and the cat dissapears...

Wtf?

Eventually we decide to try and go fishing. Now Steve has poles and stuff but that eventually became boring.

On the way back from failing at fishing, Andrew asks me if I have the song “Sandstorm”. I play the song, and what happened through us into the night.

In the middle of the street at a stop sign, the song plays and we all go ballistic. Andrew, Steve, and I just started…dancing. We get out of the car and just start moving to the music. I open my trunk and it just blasts into the neighborhood. All of a sudden this girl and her friends walking down the street see this, and what do they do?

They fucking RAN to us and started dancing with us.

One of them even jumped on Andrew and started practically humping him. This night could not get any better. It did.

The song ends and we get back into the car thinking it is all over but I forgot that I had a play list. At a stop light, “What is Love” plays and we all get out AGAIN and start dancing in the street. There is about 3 cars behind us as we are doing this and I am doing like pushups, Steve is doing butterfly kicks, and Andrew is humping my car.

The car behind us starts honking so we get scared but eventually we realize that he was honking on beat and flashing the lights in his car. I see another car behind him bopping their heads.

The light turns green and Steve jumps into the trunk while me and Andrew stay up front. We then decide to go to the mall.

We go to the mall, open all the doors to let the music out and start a party there. Now it was JUST at closing and all the employees are walking out at this time.

One of the Auntie Anne’s girls starts dancing while cleaning the front of her store. Then she gets everyone else inside to dance.

Wtf.

Right now “Bad Boy” is playing by Cascada. Mall security did not say anything to us. Why? Because Andrew was a security guard. If anything they tried to get everyone else to dance.

We leave the mall because the song ends and head on to Sunrise Highway. The lights there are extremely long so we planned this perfectly. I play the song “Miracle” and at the light we get out, open the doors, and Steve hops out of the trunk. We all start partyboying. The man in the car next to us starts taking pictures.

Then it gets better. A cop was passing by, saw what happened, and pulled over. He then sees that we are dancing to techno while my car is on. He says,

“GET OUT OF THE STREET AND BACK INTO THE FUCKING CAR YOU FUCKING HIPPIES”.

By this time we got scared as shit and we moved back into the car. We later traveled to a basketball court, back to Amityville beach, and ended the night.

What comes out of this? My next idea is a recorded random techno dance party in a mall. This will be fantastic.

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My Daily Rant - 6.02.08 - That freaking SUCKED.

Well today is my sister’s graduation from high school. I already knew what was in store for today graduation. My graduation was about 3 – 4 hours. It is depressing how long that thing was and to only realize that after that we are completely finished with high school. Shoot, that sucked.

Now I did not wish to cut my hair and because of that they were about to exclude me from the graduation. Really they were about to kick me out of the house for this. Was it that serious? Probably not.

It is not like I had “fuck” “you” written my head.

Nope, it says, “Fuck” “Me”.

I wonder if that would work.

Here is my account of her graduation from start to finish –

PM
2.17 - This girls speech is unimaginative and completely unentertaining.

2.18 - I am starting to contemplate sleep

2.19 - I have to pee.

2.20 - I see what she is saying...but it is just not doing anything...sort of just like bad sex. You keep poking it but nothing happens.

2.22 - The senior trip IS worth it. Shit, I fucking LOVE Mickey.

2.25 - Woa. The speech is over? I am almost depressed. The valedictorians name is Fred Savage. HAHA SAVAGEEEE. If this kid does NOT become a porn star he is wasting SO much potential. Fuck college. I have never seen this kid before. Why do all of their speeches sound the same?

2.27 - This speech is seriously the same as the last speech. I am exponentially disappointed. It is honestly…terrible. What do I do? I turn to my right and smack my brother in the head.

Why? Because it is his entire fault.

2.29 – This kid keeps...talking..like..thiss... like a deaf person having sex.

That makes no sense, but seriously the kid talked..like..this..what…if…I..typed…like…this? How…frustrated…are…you…readers…right…now?

2.29 - Alright Ben Stein made me laugh.

2.34 – I take a short trip with Miss Alba and I wake up realizing I just dazed out and this kid is talking about crabs...wtf?

No really, crabs, jelly fish and shit.

UGH WHERE IS THIS SPEECH GOING?!?!

2.36 - This kid is trying..to..use...big..words

2.40 - This kid should have ended this speech like 8 fucking times. He has also quoted more poets than Def Jam Poetry

2.52 - They are starting to announce the names...jfrbhfheasfrsafdaf this sucks

2.54 - Myy balls are gonna start sweating soon

3.15 - LMAO @ Nikole putting y instead of her real middle name. Hint? It is digitized.

3.15 - I enter a conversation with Wendy about how terrible this whole thing is.

3.16 - I want to do WOOP THERE IT ISSS for Mindy but I don't think I can get my grandmother to do it...

3.25 – My mother forces me to take my brother to bathroom. I contemplate ditching him.

3.32 - Sam goes up. Honor roll? She does not come off that smart. I cannot embarrass her as I am just coming back from taking my brother to the lavortirium.

I just made that word up.

3.56 - Sam completely burns me by saying that they were glad that I left high school.

Wtf.

3.58 I say these exact words to Sam regarding my sister...

"You better clap mad hard for my sister. So hard you break your Got-damned hands”.

4.01 - I am shaking with excitement at what I am going to do for my sister here...

4.05 - I had a blast embarassing my sister. I stood on my chair threw my jacket and screamed her name...it fell on the person in front of me.

4.13 – My dad comes back from his spot that he was taking pictures...apparently he could not here me...because now we become blind when are taking pictures


4.20 - Stephanie comes up...we all cheer and go crazy for her and Kathianna, shit she is tall, and Hector later on

4.25 - I am ridiculously bored by now. What do I do?

I slap my brother again.

4.30 - I use the bathroom for a second time and you know those small stalls? I use those stalls because I like peeing on things smaller than me.

King Kong Status

4.35 - Some kid walks on the stage, takes a flower, and gives it to my Antichrist-Ex Dean of Women. She throws it on the floor and kicks him off stage.

Fantastic.

4.40 - My dad starts cheering for random people. Like hardcore. People we do not even know he is standing up for and hi-fiving people cheering.

5.00 – So the whole thing is over…but you want to know something?

Someone still managed to find the time to call me a fag for liking Sex and the City.

This will never leave me.

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My Daily Rant - 5.01.08 - Sex and the City Runs My Life Now

My birthday is on Saturday. The greatest day in existence so let us not forget that. Before we start lets say something.

Fuck the Celtics and if Kobe wins this year, he will ascend to Jordan’s level.

OK now we can continue.

Now as we all know I saw Sex and the City on Friday with Stephanie. Little did I know this movie would play into my entire day yesterday.

Now I walked into work and before I even started I was brought with an interesting proposition. How much is your thrust work? Seriously, this is how we work. Billy takes a calculator and places it in front of his junk and then slaps it twice against it and generates a number of 384.



Wtf?

This makes no sense to me. I stare at the number and I look at him with awe. Steve takes the same calculator and brings out a .5. Now this whole expedition is already extremely gay as it is but we continue anyway. I do the same. What number do I get?



0.

Wtf?

0.

So after getting laughed at for that an hour later they ask me what I did and I tell them about Sex and the City. They ask me what I thought. What did I say?

It was not that bad. It was kind of good

You would have thought someone through up on the floor. They stared at me and said what? I was just going to tell the damn truth. It was not THAT bad. This started a running joke about the entire day asking customers about how I MUST be gay to like it.

They asked this one kid and you know what he said?

“Shoot, I am gay and I hate that damn show”.

Keep in mind that we had no idea he was gay so this almost made our heads explode. It got weird REAL quick.

Then they decided that they must try to put me on with guys the whole day. I mean it started to get insane. They tell one guy that I liked it and he says to me, “Wow”. That was it. Steve asked me if I liked the movie The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

Ugh. Eventually they decided to figure out my status in a relationship. Billy asks me if I pitch or catch. I tell him fuck off and my friend Jen says,

“Wait, you do not play baseball”.

We all start laughing and she says,

“No seriously Jacques sucks at baseball”

So eventually we manage to move past this whole mess and they start calling each other cracker.

“WHAT UP MAH CRACKER??!!

NOTHIN MAH CRACKER JUST STAYIN CRACKALACKIN MAH CRACKER.

WHAT YOU DOING TONIGHT CRACKER?

NOTHING MAH CRACKER BUT I AM GOING TO THE ERIC CLAPTON CONCERT”

So I joke around and I say the word too. What happens to me?

“THAT IS OUR WORD. DO NOT SAY THAT CRACKER. THAT IS OUR WORD.

Ugh.

We all start arguing about a manly movie since I had watched a complete girl movie.

ROCKY IV IS THE BEST ROCKY. I do not care what anyone says. Screw Mr T and Screw Apollo. Ivan Draago is the fucking man. While watching that movie we decide that the slow motion and the epic soundtrack make the movie.

Like, we are all entranced in this movie. All it is is watching two roided up guys work out, but it is SO cool. And the music? To die for.

The beatdowns make that damn movie too. Various women were walking through the store asking why we were watching the movie and we did not even acknowledge them.

They cannot understand the manliness of this movie.

Well, that is the same way I understood the feminineness of that movie.

Lets stop talking about this.

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My Daily Rant - 5.31.08 - I ♥the Sex Scenes in Sex and the City

One week until my birthday. Yes! The greatest day in human existence is almost here. How fun is this going to be? Extremely fun. What am I doing for my birthday? Check this out…

I still am throwing my Black B Q when Obama locks down the nomination, BUT, I should have a flat out rave for my birthday party. Now do not get me wrong there will be some rap for all of you black people, but the whole party will be themed Techno. Glowsticks, stupid dancing, and tight enclosed places.

Yesterday should have been called Driving Miss Melinda. My sister plays an important part in my life especially when she does not have her own car to take her places. So I spent 40 in gas for half a tank (fuck) and took her to tedious places like the salon. I mean we are not like normal brothers and sisters because I guess we do not argue as much? Yet we do not talk THAT much? I still dislike her Japanese Ricer driving boyfriend.

VTEC@!!!!1111!! YO

Tomorrow is my sisters graduation and I have Boom and Pow written into the sides of my head. My mother wants met to get my head shaved in order to get rid of the styles.

*Update8
I will not be attending her graduation apparently. Why? Because I will not change my hair.

HA.

I eventually make my way towards every woman’s most anticipated movie, Sex and the City or as I call it, Intercourse in the Metropolis.

My name is 10x better.

Now I will not spoil the movie for some of the girls who have not seen it yet, BUT, I will discuss the experience. Experience?

Yes it was an experience. Why?

Women.

It was insane how many Middle-aged women were in that theatre. Like, if you played Michael Jackson’s Thriller EVERYONE would have gotten up and done the dance. Shoot, some of these women were around for the LAST gas crisis. Now I am not am not going to practice ageism. However, if you were a girl in that theatre, you were either too young to even get into the movie, or you were on Menopause/had a kid already/ dragged your husband to see it.

Not only this, yesterday had many people dressed as if we were going to see a Barbra Streisand concert. I saw more heels (and girls that can walk in them) yesterday than at a middle school graduation. Think about that.

Screwing them up from the start.

So it is Sex and the City right? There are scenes that involve SEX. The funny part about these sex scenes was how many mothers in the theatre said, “Cover your eyes”. So many times. Gosh that was funny. I mean these two people on the screen are playing a game of hide the penis and the parents are telling their kids to cover their eyes.

IT IS SEX AND THE CITY PEOPLE. Shit, the NAME just insinuates WHAT IS GOING TO BE IN THE MOVIE. If I was that kid I would be so tight about my mother teasing the shit out of me. Why? Do not bring me to Sex and the City and expect me to only watch the city part. I mean, shoot, I would go and have sex RIGHT AFTER THAT just to spite my mother if she said something like that.

That is like going to an ice cream parlor and only eating the cone.

Going to France and not eating bread.

Going to England and not seeing bad teeth.

Watching Baseball and it is actually entertaining.

Denying sex and just going to rub one off.

Going to a black BBQ and not having ribs.

Seriously. It makes no sense. Now I will say that one of them does show her boobs in the movie. I do not remember her name? Maranda I think? For being a 48 year old red head, she has a nice pair of daytime reflectors.

After the movie, I headed down to Andrews house and hung out with Amityville’s finest. Two things I learned from that point were that the Twins are probably alcoholics (lol), and they love making fun of people in wheelchairs.

I mean, the conversation just got weird.

One question that I even thought about was,

If you are blind, do you get the spins when you are drunk?

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My Daily Rant - 5.30.08 - I'll Have the Sexual.

8 Days until my birthday. The countdown until the greatest day in human history starts now. Not the ides of March, not the Birth of Hitler, and Christmas? Psh.

Anyway yesterday? Yesterday was a fun day. Why? Because well everything just meshed together in one giant kind of funny mess. First, I love egg sandwhiches. I mean, what American does not? They are the corner stone of our culture. Especially eggs, saugage and cheese. What happens if you do not like this?

You’re Jewish. Do you want to be Jewish?

So I am ordering food and as usual I am texting. Now the lady behind the counter was very attractive but I was not paying attention to her because my conversation with Sam had just hit that point where I start laughing at every message. Now it is pretty hard to do that and I do not have conversations like that with almost anyone anymore so I was going to cherish this while it last. I used to have these kind of conversations with some people but eventually too many one word answers and you just do not feel like talking anymore. Am i right?

She sends me, “You’re dog is way to sexual”. I read that and I start laughing. The lady asks me what do I want to order and what do I say?

“I will have something sexual”

Wow. The dude next to me looks at me with the look that says, “I cannot believe you just said that to a milf. You are the fucking man.” Now picture me standing there in pajamas, sandles, and a wife beater. I looked bummy. And what did she do? She laughed at me. In my damn face. However, the laugh was so hot anyway. Ugh.

The egg sandwich was amazing though.

Eventually my sister has to go to “Aqua Prom”. Why Aqua Prom? Because my old high school canceled prom and gave us a stupid cruise around Manhattan. Moving on, she spends about 2 hours getting ready with her running back and forth and then finds out her white shoes are scuffed.

Life sucks does it not?

Now I am sitting there in my underwear. Why? Because it is comfortable. Shit, I am in my underwear right now. She comes to me and says that we have to leave in 10 minutes.

I am not down for this “rushing” shit. I like to take my damn time.

So we end up leaving in 30 minutes just because I am the man like that.

I arrive at the school and I realize how rich/snobby/downright retarded her grade is. You would have thought it was an awards show. What is my bet?

30% of those girls were not wearing any underwear at all.

“Sluts – they make the world go round”

Now I had a choice, I could have hung out with a few friends, or watch Lost at Ashleys house.

I chose Lost because it is probably the best show ever and it was the season finale.

It was an extremely good season finale with enough sweaty shots of Kate to keep me interested.

But do you want to know one thing I want to say to women? This is what I noticed picking my sister up.

IF YOU CANNOT WALK IN HEELS, DO NOT WEAR THEM.

I swear. That is unattractive. More unattractive then a girl pooping. More unattractive then a girl smoking cigs – sorry it is gross. More unattractive than a girl beating me in a sports game.

The girls last night, only half of them could walk in heels. My sister can, WHY CAN’T YOU GIRLS DO IT?

And she is only half retarded.

Moving on, I raced about 3 cars on the way home. Random Volkswagens. What happened? I won one of the races, and I probably almost got wood in my car. With my sister in it.

Who gives a shit.

After that driving around with Sam was fun. She orders a mean frosty.

Then throws it well too.

Blah.

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My Daily Rant - 5.29.08 - Kentucky Fried Chicken

Well after my expedition with the mini crack heads yesterday I traveled to my old high school to pick up my sister from Senior Tutorials. She is finished with school but since it is genetic, she is taking help in Calculus. See my entire family sucks in math. When I arrived there I managed to have a few conversations with old coaches etc and we basically discussed how grade 2008 is trash compared to 2007.

We fucking ruled.

I mean besides the fact that most of us are complete degenerates and we party way to hard, we were the best. We also talked about many other things such as happenings in my life and the Nintendo Wii. I mean, these are grown men here. They love this thing. One of the coaches was thinking about making a drinking game out of it.

Wii Beer Pong.

You ever have a quiet car ride with someone? I mean, completely quiet? My sister and I had a very quiet drive home. You would think we were in a fight, someone tried to talk to us about sex, or she realized that I thought her friend was hot.

Hehe, you pick which one is true.

Eventually Sam decides to entertain me and all three of us watch TV. I think Real World was on. I fucking hate real world. Why? I have no idea why but it seems so fake. I mean, how can you actually get girls like that? I mean, most of the girls they bring home are belligerent ex-ed up smuts anyways but they are doing it to be on camera. Shit, a camera is the kryptonite to a non sober girl. Why? Not because of the boobs that may end up being showed –

No

It is because of the stupid crap they do on them. That is why Girls Gone Wild is popular. Because guys like me and you see the commercials on Comedy Central at 3 in the morning and then proceed to Google the living shit out of it.

We decide to get Kentucky Fried Chicken. Why Kentucky Fried Chicken? For the exact reason I am typing the whole name out – BECAUSE I LOVE KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN. But does it love me?

Before leaving I had to do some soul searching.

Which piece of overly-fried, beakless, genetically engineered poultry must I let enter my mouth? So many choices and Sam, being white, had her choice already made up. But me and my sister? We needed to soul search effectively before journeying to the great deep and murky waters of North Amityville to procure our prize.

The added “ghetto” makes it taste 10x better.

I have come to a final conclusion. People at drivethroughs? They do not like me. At all. None of them. I mean, the one who served us yesterday was a very attractive Spanish Lady and even she did not like me. I asked for a discount MANY times. I was turned down.

Every time.

She then told me I was way too sarcastic.

Wtf.

Nothing big happened at night, besides a car meet and me still thinking beer sucks.

Now I am listening to the greatest song ever.

They know

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My Daily Rant - 5.28.08 - Children=future? Screw the future

If you have been paying attention I posted earlier about my complete hatred for children. Not all children, just everyone under the age of 13. Please do not give me that crap that says, “O you were a kid too, you look like a kid, do you not love their cute faces?”. All I am going to say is, “I was never a kid I was always the man, yea I look like a kid and you look like a smut, no I do not like their cute drooled booger filled missing teeth having face.”

Ha. They are just younger crackheads.

Minus the crack.

So here is my account of what terrible things happened today from the times of 9 – 1030 AM.

Setting Field Day. Two school-wide teams, Blue and White, compete for points. Each grade is separated in Blue and White. What does this teach the kids?

Not a Got-damn thing.

9:00 – I arrive at the school. I was listening to They Know – Shawty Lo on the way. Why? Because that song gets me fucking pumped.
9:05 – Everyone is excited to see me. I am very used to this. Not only that, I left the school years ago when I was the man – in 6th grade – so I already knew I was the shit.
9:10 – They assign me to the hula-hoops. In order for the team to win they must all hold hands and move themselves through the hula-hoop with out breaking the hold.
9:15 – The Kindergarten kids move to my station.
9:18 – After getting them settled down I explain the game. It takes years for them to understand. At this age they have no idea. There is no loser because if they lose then they get depressed. I think there should be winners and losers. Why?

Cut off the fat early.

9:20 – First graders arrive.
9:25 – While trying to get the hula-hoop over the last kid, one kid screams out, “HURRY THE FUCK UP WE ARE GOING TO LOSE”. Now, have you ever seen that show Bobby’s World? The kid sounded just like that. Ugh.
9:27 – Second Grade skips me. I hope they burn in the fire of a thousand rulers.
9:30 – Third Grade arrives, and they all ask me if I am “Phillips Brother”. Wtf? I am no ones brother. Everyone should be referred by their relationship to me. For example, Melinda? Your name is Jacques Sister. Andrea? Your name is Jacques Big Boobed Friend. Stephanie? You are Jacques Spanish Speaking Friend. Erin? You are Jacques Irish/Spanish Friend. Bohack? Your Jacques Red Friend. Sam? Your name is Jacques Friend.
9:32 – One of the third graders tells me I have a nice ass. I start looking out for Ted Hanson from Dateline right about now.
9:35 – I am actually interested in this grade. Why? Because they are the first to understand the actual game. What do they do? They go hard. Shit talking and all. I mean, one kid even tried to bet Naruto cards. Continue down that path young man. It will lead you to lots of debt, scandalous women, and more scandalous women.
9:40 – 4th grade arrives and already I am looking to end my life. On the blue team they had this kid that HAD to be a freaking marshmallow. I swear. This little pasty fat girl had the biggest trouble bringing her hula-hoop around her. What happened?

They called her fatty. They said, “FATTY WHAT IS TAKING YOU SO LONG? HURRY UP!!!1”.

What did I do? I laughed. I wanted to laugh in her little face but I did not need to. This other little black kid on the other team, WITH A MOHAWK TOO!!1!!!, laughs in her face as she tries to put it over her. Fantastic!
9:50 – 5th grade arrives and they are all primarily girls. So what does this mean? Well I spotted out the future gay kids in two seconds due to him holding a Barbie doll, and none of them wanted to play. What did I do?

I told them to hold their Got-damn hands and play the game.

Seriously. I was like, HULA. GO! FREAKING HULA NOW!

10:00 – the 6th graders arrive. Little did I know that this game would be the most fun for me. Why? Because I saw how messed up this society is in these little kids. Well I told them to hold hands. You know what they said to me?

“That is mad gay yo.”

Wtf?

Hold hands.

They looked at me as if I had three heads. I could not get guys to hold each others hands. It took about 8 minutes. Finally, I get them to hold hands. What happens? They talk smack. Like hardcore smack.

“You are all going fucking down.

Suck my dick Avery.

Fuck you bitch I hope you take to long to get the hula over you.”

What is going on?!

So I tell them if they do not stop cursing they have to sit down. They all shut up. There is this one quiet kid at the end of the line. The race is getting VERY tight. The one quiet kid leaves the line, and goes to put lotion on his hands because they were ashy. What happens? They lost. What then happened was relentless. They all jump on the kid screaming at him.

“WHY DID YOU NOT PUT LOTION ON BEFORE?

WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU KNOW WHY HE DID THIS?? BECAUSE HE IS SMARTER THAN ALL OF US GUYS.

(everyone in unison) FUCK YEA!!! “

So I calm them down. Right now I feel terrible for the kid.

No I am kidding. I did not really care that much. The kid tries to get up but he trips and hurts his hand. The teacher comes and takes him out of the line and to the nurses office. What do they do?

They cheer.

They fucking cheered.

10:20 – 7th grade arrives. They are all in their emo stages boring stages. What do they do? They ask my why my pants are so tight. They ask me why I have !POW! in my head. They ask me if I get a lot of girls in college. They ask me if I have a girlfriend.

Wtf?

10:30 - 8th grade skips me. Why? Because my brother is way to cool for me.

I leave. I cannot believe the day has only just started.

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My Daily Rant - 5.28.08 - I Freaking Hate Kids

I hate little kids. I did not know if any of you peons knew that. I despise them with the passion of a thousand suns. What am I about to go to?

FIELD DAY for my brothers school.

Why?

Because my parents signed me up.

Hilarity will ensue.


and a kid kicked a soccer ball into my car. There is a dent.

Payback time.

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My Daily Rant - 5.27.08 - Blah Memorial Day Sucked

You ever watch TV without having a remote? Honestly it is probably one of the most annoying things in Human existence besides pregnancy and drunk Asian people. (It is a joke, a joke!). I mean sitting on one channel and watching commercials is something that I am used to because the two major TV’s that I watch both individually have no remote. I mean commercials are fun to watch sometimes. That is how my life can be described sometimes.

One giant commercial with a very good TV show in the middle. Yesterday was probably an intense day - for everyone that was not working. Sadly enough during Memorial Day I was working. I expected it to be completely dead with no one there to bother me as a coworker and I played some Sony freaking PSP.

It was the contrary.

Has the American society deteriorated that much? Memorial Day is a day where we must chill, grill, and drink until we are blind and end up making out with the family dog. The mall was packed yesterday for reasons that I am still baffled about.

That was a commercial. The TV show actually shows up during work when I decide to act around. I do not have to tell you people any more than I already have, I am the best employee that they have and I take pride in this. Now laziness is extremely hard to overcome at times and that creates a problem at time.

Besides work, yesterday was really uneventful besides Stephanie’s dog drooling in my car.

I will punt that rat.

As we speak I am watching this show called MTV Juvies. Now we already know MTV does not talk about music anymore, but this Juvies show is gold. They act out why these kids enter Butt-rape heaven [jail] and then they actually send them there. In Juvie they even have art class. Freaking art class. This 14 year old kid is in Jail for beating up a kid that put a Kick Me sign on his back.

What did he do?

He put it on his back, then he kicked his ass.

Now when the prison people talk to the kids they are so condescending. It is actually pretty funny.

“Why are you here?

Well some kid-

You know why you are here and you are going to stay here

But it wasn’t my fa-

Yes it was. You beat that kid to a little bloody pulp. I hope you are proud of yourself you little hoodlum you.

Why are you so me-

Mean? I am not mean, Big Bubba is mean, and I am nice if anything.”

I hope he is gentle.

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My Daily Rant - 5.26.08 - No Peeing Over the Banister

Yesterday I decided to spend most of my day washing my car. The car is black and I have not thought of a name for that sexy piece of German metal but I am on the verge of it. After washing the car Sam and I head to get some All American. For all of you Non-Long Islanders, All American is a burger joint which sells the best damn burgers in America. Seriously. They are like eating Buddha on a bun.

Ouch. Disrespectful because Buddha did not eat meat.

Woooo!

So while sitting on my trunk stuffing our faces with this fried greasy mess and listening to rap music we came up with an interesting proposition. We are programmed to like All American. We are programmed to know that after eating All American we must be a great American. We are programmed that after soccer/lacrosse/baseball practice (not basketball. To many black people), that you must go and eat All American.

Now I have to program you to read my notes.

Anyways, after that I then proceeded to a party at a friends house. Now let us state that I was the only black guy there. I was token. Do I care?

Fuck yea I do.

Now I cannot swim. Why? Because I never got around to learning. I was going to set up some safe-t-swim lessons but I did not feel like watching 5 year old Jimmy out swim me. Why?

Because I will fucking punt him. That’s why.

So I go to the party with the intention of getting completely belligerent, walking around, brushing with death, then complaining about my relationship issues to Danny and Jen as they drove me home. That is not what happened. First, one of the twins teaches me how to dip. I did not do it because I do not like throwing up, BUT, I did see how it was done.

It is still gross.

So it is dark as hell out and they are all crowded around a BP game, and they are playing with clear cups. Why the hell would you play with clear cups? I mean that is like having sex with an invisible person. It makes no sense. The party then got even more random. I find out that the girl wearing glasses has pink eye. I am baffled. Why? Because she is like 17. How do you get pink eye? You want to know what that means?

Her boyfriend next to her? Yup. Think about it. Remember you have to go bare-ass in order for it to infect you.

So I move to the deck and I see Andrew pissing out the side of it. He is drunk. Why is that when we are drunk, peeing anywhere is considered necessary? I mean, belaying the fact that we are at a house and there is a bathroom…but who cares?

All of a sudden, everyone is cheering. A girl had jumped on my friend and just started making out with him. What does he do? He fills another page in his book and disappears.

Great. Right about this time, I wish I was drunk. Why? Not to make out with random chicks, no, to fully grasp this party and all the awkward stuff that is happening at it.

Me and 3 of my friends begin chatting it up with this other girl. I do not think anyone of us was actually even interested in the girl, but conversation with females is always warranted am I right?

This girl had to be 15. However, she looked like she was 18. What does that mean? She is 17. One of my friends decides to tell her that he is gay. Hilarity ensued. The conversation kind of went like this –

Girl – Yea I go to St Anthony’s
Gay Friend – I suck lots of cock.
Girl – I did not like the school at first and my boyfriend made me stay now I like it.
Gay Friend – Balls Deep
Me – St Anthony’s Blows
Gay Friend – I had sex with a guy from St Anthony’s
Girl – No, it is amazing. It is so much fun. It was even better when I had my sweet 16 a few weeks ago.

-At this moment we all took a gulp of the beers we were drinking-

Gay Friend – I like when they play with my ass. See? I have tongue ring. That is how gay I am.
He then runs off to another guy saying he was going to play with him.

And that 16 year old chick? I think one of my friends made out with her. She smelt. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Young girls who cannot clean.

Then, my friend and the girl come back. She is practically crying. Me and my friends ask him what he did. He said he did nothing, but she is crying as if he tried to surprise her with anal sex or something. We then here her friend say that she is 15 and she has never done anything in her life. Amazing.

I spot Andrew urinating over the banister and another one throws a brick of ice at him. Now keep in mind that the one that through ice has already urinated over the deck like 8 times. The father then comes outside and tells him there is a bathroom inside. He keeps on urinating. “Hey retard, there is a bathroom inside” he keeps pissing. He then finishes, turns around, and shakes it practically in the man’s face.

Well we have already moved pass the point of our welcome and they start to kick people out. My “gay” friend and the one that ruined the 15 year old life begin to fight in order to throw one in the pool. They go back and forth and eventually the “gay” one falls into the pool.

At least his dip stayed high and dry.

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No more disclaimers. I am tired of pasting it.

No more disclaimers. I am tired of pasting it.

What happened today? A lot of crap happened today. I worked all day. On my feet, catering to overweight idiots scampering around like nerds at a Star Trek convention, looking for Wii Fit. I have come to the conclusion that Nintendo can spew man juice onto a CD, and make money off of it. As long as it is quirky, Japanese, and has a completely simple topic and manages to snag the hearts, and wallets, of people everywhere.

You know the Wii is DAMN popular when ghetto people purchase it. True story, I once had someone offer to sign me their welfare check in order to pick one up. You know what I did?

I took that damn check. Why?

Because the Nintendo FUCKING Wii is way more important than sustaining a family.

Not only that, but I swear most of the people that walk into my damn store are basically chickens with money. That is how I view them. Chickens, with money as feathers. I ran this by my assistant manager today and he completely agrees with me.

See, chickens can be told to do anything, and they will not do it. If I tell you I do not have a game, you will still walk to that damn wall and hope, pray, and plead that I am lying to you.

Please, let us forget that I have not been working their all day. Today, I realized how dumb people can get in a mall. A man comes in asking me for the trade in value of a game. Me being the lazy but extremely sexy bastard that I am comes up with an made up price. He then tells me that he got a different price at the other store.

What do I tell him?

I tell him that the price changes every second as Gamestop’s stock rises and falls during the day. He believes me and then starts talking with the girl he was with about the stock market. He tries to educate the girl. Then the girl shitted on his life.

She reminded him, that the stock market is not open on Saturdays.

I felt his testicles crush under the pressure of extreme, right female estrogen. Ouch.

Another story I had today was the lady that comes in every week with these cute little twins. I hate kids. Why? Because of these little 3 foot sperm bi products. They run into the store, and drop an entire shelf on the floor. Then, they move over to the Nintendo section and are instantly thrown into a trance by Nintendo in general.

It is an effect Nintendo learned at level 34.

The trance can only be equated to black people and Grand Theft Auto.

Geez. After the trance is over they pounce around the store and continue to just…mess stuff up. Great.

I mean I am not at all entertained by these happenings and I give stares of death.

Death stares.

To little boys?

Fuck yea. That is the only way you get through to them. Do you HONESTLY think that beating a kid or taking away his toys works? No. It does not. A good ol’ death stare does the trick everytime. This is not the same type of stare from the New Guy no, this stare makes ME even slightly aroused.

Why?

Because everyone cowers in fear because of it.

So, the chickens with money are practically my favorite food. If customers were on a food chain I would probably be at the top.

Why do I not support the whole, “Customer is Right” crap?

Because the customer is never fucking right. If the customer was right, shoplifting would be A-OK.

That really pisses me off also, do not whistle, snap, kiss, yoohoo at me ever. I kick people out of the store for that crap.

Right after I chop of a few finger

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My Daily Rant - 5.34.08 - Mmm dead people.

Yesterday can only be described as one of those days that had SO much promise to be potentially great, but just fizzled in a failure of a day.

It was extremely uneventful until I was able to make the 40 minute trek to the barber shop to get my hair cut. I noticed a few things on this trip –

Humans are OBESSED with death

You know what really “grinds my gears”? Rubbernecking. Although I hate this so much, I cannot deny that I am a reason it happens too. When driving to Queens at Midday it is impossible to not run into SOME kind of traffic. The problem is, the traffic is either volume of cars, or rubbernecking. Rubbernecking does not really need to happen, but it is amazing how it just..

Happens.

Sort of like getting a girl pregnant.

When you’re a teenager.

Have fun flipping burgers.

I have been in an accident on the highway before when trying to get my Fast and Furious on, and I have witnessed rubbernecking just happen. It is honestly hilarious how people slow down to look and see what happened, if we are all dead bleeding and excreting waste and blood from all of our pores, and how fucked up the car is.

Not to see how we are feeling, not to stop and call police, not to find out if everyone is alright. Just do find out if we are dead. Why? Because we love a wreck. Shit, why do you think Cops is still on? We love watching people just getting dominated.

Cops is like watching Most Extreme Challenge except only with Blacks and Hicks.

KARATAEEE – YUUUUUUUU

Get it?

Roles switch when you get older

No one reading this can remember being a baby. But, when you were a baby, no matter how hot and clean you are right now, you LOVED shitting your pants as a baby. Shoot, even as a kid some loved doing that. But, when we went to get a haircut…we cry? Roles switch.

Sort of like being married except you hate when you shit your pants and especially when you get shitted on.

Nasty.

Now, getting a haircut is something that is common place. However guarantee if any of you peons were to crap their pants in front of people, tears would come, well after the frantic fleeing to the bathroom.

Wow, @ 4.25/gallon I drove to Queens for a Haircut

Why? Because they are the only ones that can cut my hair. Girls, that is like going to that one lady/gay man that you know will cut your hair the way it is supposed to be. Also, I love getting various designs cut into my head. We already know that as it is.

I also go for the atmosphere. I am not going to sit here and lie, besides the cup of Kool Aide that I am currently sipping on, my life is not that “black”(even though I do not condone this, it fits here). When I go to the barber shop it gives me that added balance that I can fit onto my pie of life.

Right next to vagina.

Here is the break down

Vagina 95%
Rants 2%
Thinking about Vagina 3%
Haircuts 1%
Blackness 4%
Realizing that this is over 100% 2%

So what is in store for tomorrow? I have no idea. But I do know I have work all day.

Screw work.

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My Daily Rant - 5.23.08 - Thoughts From A Man In His Underwear

Hit I Like!
http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1755746

I am in my pajamas.

Therefore, I have only been up for a few hours and already I have been making sure my mind is at work.

Ugh, I wish Dexter’s Laboratory were still on TV. Omelet du fromage!

Three random topics in today’s rant. Spot them.

Speaking of Dexter, that kind of replicates my life. Not in the sense that I have a giant laboratory in my basement or that my family is a team of super heroes, it just kind of talks about me and my sisters relationship. Now she does not play Di Di and I do not play Dexter, but we kind of switch off on the roles. I mean, I love just walking into her room, messing stuff up, and walking out. Shoot, I am American. That is what we do!

Shock and f’ing Awe.

Or she walks downstairs singing some stupid song and messes up what ever game I am playing. She barely reads these rants, so when she does, it is her time to proclaim the fact that she read it to the entire house. She hates living in my shadow, and she likes to say that she is taller than me.

Which is not true, I am 5’6 ½ and she is 5’6.

But, my brother is a mini Mutombo and he is already 5’8 at age 13. Ugh.

Now a few days ago, I got into a little spat with her “boyfriend” (I have no idea if they are going out, but he is always there) about cars. His rice mobile, Acura RSX, is apparently better than old-fashioned German ingenuity.

He was probably drunk at the time.

He left and she followed a minute later, and these two kids plotted to try and hit on her.

Woa.

It went like this,

“Nah nigga NBA Live is better.

No. Nigga 2k8 is the be-(my sister walks by)

Woa, girl looks good as hell yo, Do you want her? Or is it my turn

My turn, let me go and try and holla”

I proceeded to tell them that she was way out of their league and “hollering” at her would not work.

Then I kicked them out of the store.

I am not going to sit here and act naïve and not say my sister is a pretty girl. She is a very attractive girl but believe me, I am not a fan of people saying this. I can count on hands and toes how many times my co-workers have said that after she gives me money (hell yea) and leaves.

Saoijflksadjflksa. Not cool.

I can take a joke though. If you ever hang out around me, black jokes are prevalent. Do I see it as disrespect?

Nope. Not at all.

I mean just yesterday I was hanging out with Kills and Thrills and they were deciding whether to fit me into their video stealing a radio of some sorts. Of course that is a black joke. Does it bother me? Of course not. Why? Because I have ragged on everyone of those guys in a different joke, racial or not, that probably had the same effect. If you can take a joke, I can take one too.

If you cannot take a joke, do not make one towards me that is racial because then I have to joke on you, and that is not fun.

You might end up in a rant of sorts.

Ha.

Seriously though, I need someone that is good at web design. The website planning is almost done, just need some more people to sign on, and someone to make it come to life.

See you tomorrow.

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My Daily Rant - 5.22.08 - I like Being Me!

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1755668
Hit I Like!

I have come to the conclusion that I like to stand out as much as possible. I remember I wrote a rant a few months back, wow it has been that long, stating the 3 levels of drunk white people. Now, I am not white and I do not believe one can act a color, but I would have to classify myself as “That Guy”. Now I am not, “That Guy” that walks around naked and drunk at a party trying to impregnate every lamp post in the house, no, I am the guy that is sober and likes to be the center of attention. I like everyone to know that I am there.

I mean shoot, if you were my height you would do the same thing too.

Being short does not really have anything to do with it, actually, it probably just has something to do with my personality. I am an extremely outgoing person that will not take no for an answer and loves a good laugh. I love a good laugh at someone else’s expense, and I love exploitation of things that really cannot be exploited.

I mean, shit, look at Facebook? I exploited the crap out of it and now I am generating a decent reader base. If Facebook was an human, it would be a dirty used up whore.

Terrible image. Please wear protection while using this.

For example. In high school, I never had a specific crowd that I hung out with. Besides my homeroom being the greatest homeroom in known existence, I never had a constant group of friends. I consider my self…static. Yes. Static. Ugh that adjective sounds kind of hot. I mean, lunch had a lot of good moments and I am not going to sit here and reminisce about high school.

Although it was fun as hell and it is amazing how many girls became whores now.

Ha.

I went on the Senior trip and I got my damn face painted in an African design.

Lets remember, I am Haitian. Not African. Did I care that I was being horribly stereotyped? Nope. That is like us calling an Asian chick Mulan.

But Mulan was cute.

But she was a cartoon.

And a man in the cartoon.

No homo.

Ha.

At work I am a clown. I ask people random questions that have nothing to do with the craptacular games that they are buying.

They can be buying Barbie’s Fashion Princess and I will ask them about Britnie Spears. Does that have something in common? No. Because Barbie is an undercover/underwater/secret agent dicksucker and Britnie is the shit.

LEAVE HER ALAAAAAOOONNEEEEE.

That could also classify me as trying to be Britnie. She did all that crap to be the center of a attention. I mean, Britnie Spears could take a dump and have headlines about her. Now I am not as extreme as she is with it because I will not ever get pregnant, (but Ahhrnoolld did?), and no matter how often you people tell me too, I will not shave my head.

I like hair.

Not on cats though.

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My Daily Rant - 5.21.08 - I am the Black Bruce Willis.

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1755583
Hit I like! Thanks!

Just in case you people know, I am switching it up just a tad. I am trying to fit more of my personal experiences which will do two things –

1. It will include every idiot that asks me to write a rant about them
2. Some of the situations I get into are just down right stupid.

Yesterday I woke up at 2:00. I never wake up that late because I am way to energetic of a person. I mean, the black inside me is telling me to wake up at 4 o’clock and chill on a porch or something, but I already used the “darkness” later in the day. Stay tuned.

You ever notice when you wake up that late, the whole day just seems to fly by? Combined with the fact that it was raining profusely outside (I just fucking washed my car. Ugh) and it was kind of cold in my house – it made for a very droll day. If I could name a movie that my day MUST be like in order for me to have fun it would have to be –

Die Hard.

The third one with Samuel “King Darkness” Jackson. I do have some days where that does happen. I mean, normally it starts with idiots that cannot take a joke, and the whole day me and my sarcastic ass are running around in and out from them. I never die, but I have been jumped before.

Not fun at all.

Moving on, I already know nothing is going on today so again, I do not shower. Let us not sit here and act if as we are all clean ungodly people that shower the moment we wake up. I mean, some of you reading this are not showering right now.

Dirty.

What do I do instead of showering? I watch Knocked Up. That movie would probably be me, minus the smoking, if I got a girl pregnant. I always think about if that would happen. I would poke so much fun at the damn situation it would not even matter.

In addition, sex while she has the preggers? I am sorry but personally as a person I do not like dicks hitting me in the head, so what makes you think that an unborn baby would?

So I then move on to a group interview at Zumiez. Lets remember, I was applying for the key holder position and not the little positions everyone else was applying for. Basically, I was applying for the position with the largest male appendage. Not that pussy shit. It was the weirdest interview I have ever been too. It was in a group and we did really fun activities. I was thrown in a group of 4 people that I did not even know and I just basically took control of the interview. I went there knowing I already had the damn job. Shoot, the district manager offered me the job without me asking to apply.

I mean they were giving out nicknames and I made my own.

Baby Usher.

Ladies, go dry yourselves off.

Ha.

Well Sam was there too and she did a great job so she should have gotten the job too. Eventualy I succumbed to the “Darkness” and ordered some KFC Sauceless wings.

Fantastic.

Ugh.

See you guys tomorrow. And remember when I was talking about Korean sneakers?
http://pgent.cafe24.com/product/rn/rn1/hss-10rn.jpg

Seriously.

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My Daily Rant - 5.20.08 - Today was a weird day.

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

I am trying something new because well it is a blog and a blog is about me right? And you people are fairly nosy and want to be in my rants so if we hang out then maybe that can happen!

It is the summer right? I mean technically speaking it is Spring until June 21st, but does that really matter? I am out of school and I have the ability to sleep until 2PM if I feel like it. If I ate ribs the night before, I sleep until five. Everyone loves their sleep right? I mean we dream and we go to another place. Today I was in an exceptionally good exchange until the inevitable happened, I was woken up by my sister who was at Ihop and wanted me to pick her up. Now let us remember my relationship with her. I love her, but I hate picking her up so what did I do? I run this house so manned up and said no and then I went back to sleep.

For 10 minutes until I ended up driving my fat self over there to pick her up.

Therefore, I pick her up, and there is no Ihop for me. I love Ihop. I want to get married in Ihop. I want to throw a damn PARTY in Ihop.

Ugh.

Moving on throughout my day, my car is dirty. Now I drive a two-ton 200 HP 207 TQ 6 Speeds of absolute sex Volkswagen GTI. I have been studying and taking care of stuff so I have not been able to wash the stupid thing.

An interesting anecdote comes to mind - I drive into the Wendy’s drive through and I become a complete asshole ordering the food. Now, Drea loves Wendy’s and the thought of them spitting in her food horrifies her to her very core, so she tells me to stop being an ass. I continue. The “man” on the mic literally curses at me telling me to move the fuck up. I am laughing so I move up. I go there and honestly, the “man” who was actually a “girl” looked like a female Lloyd. She gave me the food briskly and then told me my car was dirty and I should have washed it. She was probably angsty and confused about her sexuality that day.

I hope she figures out what gender she wants to be.

Tear.


It is about two o’clock at this time and I have not showered.

I have been up since ten.

Nasty? Kind of, but none of you readers cannot deny that you do that same very thing every time you have a lazy day.

Some of you are very acquainted with Jenna during the time too.

It has been on and off raining all day so a friend and I decided to just wing it and try to wash the car. You ever notice how rain just ruins everyone’s plans. Personally, I dislike the rain with a passion to fuel a thousand suns and if I took the time to wash my car and it rained…

I would be livid.

Well it rains anyway so a few hours move on and I go to see Iron Man with Stephanie. She would not give me a cube of ice during the movie and she got the whole drink dropped on her lap.

I do not play.

I must say though, Iron Man wowed me. When Robert Downey Jr. is not drunk and fighting the law he is actually a very entertaining actor. And that suit? Absolute sex.

No homo.

Ha.

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My Daily Rant - 5.19.08 - 10 FAST FOOD PLACES IN 10 SECONDS, GO!

Disclaimer- Everything to follow this is completely satirical. It is not meant for anyone to catch feelings. These comments are childish, immature, and nonfactual.

Well as you people already know, I work at Gamestop. Besides dealing with egocentric fat people, I am an expert at slacking off and still pulling the best numbers in the store. Now, to be real, I did not gain those 15 pounds in my freshman year of college. I gain more weight working in a mall.

I mean shit, have any of you ever worked in a mall? Any argument with food can be settled in a 5-minute walk to the food court. I mean, we tried to name 10 Fast food places in 10 seconds and we just picked all those that were upstairs. This brings me to today’s topic.

On the outside, I hate surprises, but on the inside? I LOVE them.

Now, I work with a friend that has no sense of smell. Seriously. We have had endless conversations about how much he is missing such as, the smell of Kool Aide, Vagina, Farts, and Ribs.

Ribs is SO important. Ugh. I need some right now. Who wants to make me some?

Moving on, he purchases some mystery flavor Doritos. Now Steve is on a diet so I managed to figure this out and slap them out of his hand. Remember what I said before? I hate(love) surprises. So these mystery flavor Doritos are seriously pissing me off.

Why would I buy something that I have no idea what the flavor is? I mean, shit, put something there to TELL me what the damn flavor is.

It does not even take that long. It makes me so afraid of eating these damn Doritos. That is like, eating those Harry Potter jelly beans that taste like Penis (literally). I am so afraid of opening Pandora’s box. What if these Doritos taste like human flesh? I mean I would love that because I am the rapper eater.

Haha. Screw Lil’ Wayne.

However, I am all about a surprises (wahoo. Hypocritical) so I eat it. Those Doritos taste…like. I cannot even explain it. It is not good at all.

No one likes a bad surprise. That brings me to another topic. When I surprise people they hate me. A kid walks into the store to buy a Xbox live card. I tell the kid that I will give him a free one if he can name ten fast food places in 15 seconds. I had one in my car, all I needed to do was walk out and get it. The kid gets ready.

Now this is the point where I find it extremely hilarious. The kid starts squirming in his shoes. I really thought he was going to crap his pants. I know he was thinking of fast food places hardcore. So hardcore, he was about to have White Castle shits.

Ew.

The kid only names six and I sell him the card and he moves on his way. I ruined his day. Why? Because everytime he passes a fast food place he could not name, he is going to hit himself for forgetting. I hope he enjoys that X-Box live card.

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