My Daily Rant - 6.14.08 - YES THEY ARE UNDERAGED

SETTING Phillip’s 8th Grade Graduation Ceremony

FOCUS I am an asshole

Well if you read my brilliant account of going to my sisters graduation you already know that I am an ass. Plain and simple. Now if we were to describe what kind of ass I would be it would have to be Megan Good. Yea. That sounds good.

Pun intended.

Now I love my family but I completely dislike family events. I mean yesterday I spoke on my inebriated friends hitting on my sister which I was not exactly to fond of. Let us get started.

The graduation is in a church and I am a very pious kid so there fore I practiced the utmost respect –

During the mass but during the actual graduation? Bam!

I start watching these kids progressing towards the benches I must say – these kids are giants. In all seriousness these kids are all taller than me. I do not know what is sadder, the fact that these kids are all taller than me, or that they are all wearing way to much makeup. Another star in my life, my father, again starts to clap for random people as they are called.

What is his problem?

He is sitting here cheering his ass off for pre-pubic, pizza faced, 13 year old kids. Why? I do not know. So I am sitting down and I watch a kid behind me go to his bench and what happens? None of his family members are there.


I start laughing and my sister hits me for laughing at him. What makes it even better is the fact that the kid sat down and whispered to himself, “Fuck me, they are always late I hate them.”

Ok people. Let us not forget. Jacques is the fucking man. Jacques is also a complete asshole. The kid looked right in my eye and I stared back into his, and I laughed.

He flipped me off.

A 13 year old kid, IN CHURCH, flipped me off.

What ever. So sitting in front of me is the perfect example why black chicks should wait to perm their hair. But that is another rant.


Needless to say they were…ghetto. When she sat down they all jumped and said,


I hate my race.

During the ceremony the kid’s family finally arrives. I look back and he flips me off again. Is that not love in church?

Moving on they called one chick up and I could not stop laughing at what happened next.

They forgot her diploma. Wow. What did Jacques do? I laughed my ass off. My mother slapped me here.

Slaps – 1

They call my little brother up and I jump and say, “YOU GO BOYYYYY I IZ PROUDZ OF YOU”.

The people in front of me were not amused and my mother decided to slap me again.

Slaps – 2

They call the ghetto chick up and she gets a certificate in EFFORT for reading. Wtf? A certificate for doing something that you are SUPPOSED to do? That is insane. What? Did she just finish her first Bearenstein book this year? Retard. I cough “hooked on phonics”

Slaps – 3

Now I decided since I got slapped for these ghetto idiots it was MY job to mess with them the entire night. Since they are extremely rude, and black, one of them was on a sidekick. I managed to get my phone in also so I put my aim on and found out the dudes sn.

What did I do?

I cursed him out ON AIM.

“Fuzzhead035 – Whats up pussy?

******* - Who is this?

Me Pussy

I will fucking kill you”

It went on for another 5 minutes before he got furious and left to make a phone call.

Someone is going to die tonight.

Eventually they decided to call for special awards. They called for the St Johns Womens award and I sat there and held my sisters hand and screamed, “COME ONNN PHILLIP. LETS GOOO PHILLIP PLEASEEE PHILLIP”

Some other girl got it and I put my hands up in disgust.

Slaps – 4

I swear, why take me anywhere?



My Daily Rant - 6.12.08 - Blah

SETTING Zumiez; Me sitting in my room right now

FOCUS First day of work?


Yesterday I started my first day of work at Zumiez. As you all know I also work at Gamestop and I am not going to leave. Why? Because I love the people more than I love the place. Yes I am underpaid and I am probably wasting my talent in this terrible place but this all does not bother me.

Moving on.

Zumiez. Yea.

I must say, it is a much laid out job. Essentially it is way to easy. Now let us not forget that I could not act out as I normally do because it was my first day and I do not know EVERYTHING yet. Shoot, I do not even know where to find all of the stuff yet. Sometimes I find my self thinking if I really want to work in a clothing store where I have to constantly refold everything the stupid peons called humans fuck up.

I slap customers.

Also, I also felt like I was sort of turning my back on a place where I loved, now I have the terrible scheduling issue of trying to keep both jobs but I NEED too. Honestly gas is 4.70 a gallon, my car requires premium, and I go out to often to not have both jobs.

Plus Zumiez is DAMN easy. It is almost depressing because working at Gamestop is not HARD it is just not as easy and as laid back.

Wow, a day in my life that was not funny and filled with pictures. Lets see how many readers comment today.

But now this is a blog right? That is what it is. I should be able to just post THOUGHTS and not lose readers. I have a blog site up also, it is just laziness is such a strong factor.

Why am I lazy? Does this not seem cliché amongst kids our age though? Or are we all running wildly with a machete through the “jungle” we call life –

Or vagina.

What if our machete is dull and cannot cut down the brush in front of us? That is essentially what is happening now. The sad thing is, for every hardcore reader I have, I have a casual reader who does not give two flying shits about going to a website. They read it because it is on their newsfeed. What if I baited them into reading? I do not want people to have to register though because that would defeat the whole purpose.

Basically, if you have not noticed, the new direction is that this is the movie of my life. When you click the link to read my thoughts, you are reading a scene in a movie. A day perhaps, where my perverse desires and intelligent mind collide in one long mesh of Long Island vernacular.

So, if I required registration, I would basically be asking you pay for the movie. Although some of you would “pay” for this movie, I want it to be free and not control anyone into reading it. This also goes up with why I have not done a VIDEO rant in so long. I felt that I needed to include people in them. What is the sense of being funny on my own when I can have people helping me?

That is how the cookie cru-




My Daily Rant - 6.09.08 - I <3 Asian Doctors


So the started with the Twins and I going to wrestle with old washed up wrestlers. Well it was the exact opposite as I got my salad tossed by kids who were just as old as me but were just 10 x nicer. Now Patrick did alright and wrestled an extremely jacked kid who he did extremely well against. Ryan on the other hand took forth but the could not over come the black power which caused him to fall against him in 3rd and 4th.

The other kid got lucky. Ryan is a stud ladies.

Eventually I headed to play softball with Mike, Zack, Gaddis and others, and I showed up late when everyone was leaving. Fantastic right? We all decided to go to Burger King and all end up ordering the same sandwich.

The motherfucking Steak House Burger.

Why did we all order the same sandwich? Because we are all the apex of manly men and we need a burger that is the apex of manly burgers. After eating this burger we had a manly conversation discussing manly movies such as,

The Rock
Shawshank Redemption

Now during this time I ordered a shake and received a free shake because I am the man, but Burger King, which is the king of innovation, had the largest straw ever. I am going to say that was the widest thing I have ever placed in my mouth.

No homo.

We all went out ways and I met up with Malary, Steve, and Andrew and we all decided to head to the beach for a little suicide. Now while playing the game the day went from OK to fantastic. At first when we get there we notice a car drive away as we pull up. It parks 10 feet away and stops. Then we look at the car 20 minutes later and what is happening?

This girl is riding the shit out of this guy. They are going at it. Now the car is shaking with the power of an earthquake in LA. What do I do? I start clapping. Why? Because you have to applaud sexual skills like that. I then see her man under her give me the thumbs up.


Now we continue to play and as Andrew was jogging briskly to catch the ball he stepped on a piece of glass and it violated the inner temple of his body. Now this is where the night turned fantastic. He walks over to the pavilion and checks his foot out. He is GUSHING blood right now out of his foot and we are all amazed and laughing at him.

The first thing he says is,

“Ok you have to take me to the hospital”

He runs to his car and gets a pair of boxers and wraps it around his foot. As we are about leave he decides to piss and we see him hop his glass having, bloody foot, cripple self over to the bush in piss. The day keeps getting better. So we head onto Montauk Highway and we are driving down and now Steve cracks open a beer and me and him start to share it in the backseat. We then remember that this is TERRIBLY illegal and that Malary is racing down Montauk highway.

“Dude you are driving way to fast you are doing 60”

“Fuck that, I am doing 65”.

So as we are weaving in and out of traffic Bloody Foot decides that he needs some water and says,

“Lets stop at a 711 and get some water”

Instead we stop at the SAME Burger King that I went to and I get him a free thing of water. GUESS WHO MAKES A RE APPEARANCE??! The giant straw comes back and Andrew says the same thing I said,

“This is the widest thing I have ever put in my mouth”


So now we still racing to the hospital and we are picking on Malary as usual.

“When did you become a bitch Malary?”

“When matter became solid”

O yes, did I forget that Bloody Foot had previously killed 8 beers, he is now packing a lip and is bleeding from the foot. Imagine how thin his blood was. We get to the hospital and we all run in and we tell the receptionist what was our problem. What I then saw was one of the hottest doctors ever. I loved this Asian doctor. Andrew was happy to be served by her also. Now I through my snide little jokes as she asked him questions

“So how did you get glass in your foot?”

“Playing handball at the beach”

“IT REALLY WORKS OUT YOUR WHOLE BODY. Look at me, I am practically the BLACK ADONIS”

She stared right through me. So cute yet fierce at the same time.


We get to registration and we notice two other attractive medical personal. We start talking about doing them and then we realize they are right behind us. What do we do? Continue talking this time with positions. She brings a blonde one over and Andrew realizes that he knew her already. Wow. Could it get any better?

They send us to the waiting room and Andrew is in a wheel chair by now. I love this. We all Purell up. Did I ever tell you how good Purell smells? Now I am wheeling Andrew around and they call him but I want to go in there with him. I am not related to him, so I needed a way to get in there. When they asked who I was I said,


Andrew – “You have to hold my hand it is going to hurt!”

*slaps his shoulder* “O please!”

He know lays down on the bed and she takes a look at his foot and gives him a shot to numb it. I hold his hand and he squeezes it really hard. NO HOMO FOR THIS ENTIRE DAY lol!

The lady was actually really nice and let us keep the piece of glass after Andrew got his one stitch. They leave us alone and since we need entertainment we decide to start to do the robot in his wheel chair. As we are breakdancing, an even HOTTER doctor comes down and reads us the normal scpheel about infection etc. So I stare at her as hard as I can and she lets Andrew sign the paper on her fore-arm.

“You should get his name tattooed on your arm”

“Fat Chance”

Shut Down.