6.17.2008

My Daily Rant - 6.17.08 - My nuts hurt.

Cabin Fever? It exists. Not going to sit here and lie, working two jobs is going to suck. Why? Because I worked 9-5 at Zumiez and 5-10 at Gamestop. On top of that I even left Zumiez early but that did not change anything. It is beginning to blow.

I mean, I walked into work and I saw my friend, who is a security guard, and I told her of my hours.

She asked me why I have not killed my self yet and I told her the gangs in this mall will probably kill me first.

That is what has just been given to me.

I started at the bagel shop where I ran into my father who was at the front of the line and I cut his ass and bought something to eat. The people behind us were pretty peeved seeing as I came in, and started running stuff.

You know how I DO.

The lady told me I cut her and I said that my father was online before her anyway.

“Well that does not mean you get to order before me”

“Believe me lady, I can think of laws that say I am supposed to order before you”

“What is that supposed to mean? That I am being a racist? I AM NOT BEING A GOD DAMN RACIST”

People get SO up in arms when you call them a racist.

“Lady chill and take a joke. Are you stressed? There are some Asians at the mall that can cure that”

“Shut up and get your damn egg sandwich”

“I love you”

“What?”

Needless to say I headed to work and nothing happened all day until these kids walked into Gamestop as I was closing and they ended up being the highlight of my day. Now let’s pay attention. Massapequa kids are dumb. Yea that is how I said it. I am not a fan of them. Why? Because they have this whole “Massapequa = #1” vibe about them.

But hey, what can you do?

Now a very manly thing to do is to hit another man in the nuts. Why? Because that is what you do. So one kid hits the other in the nuts and then it is a free for all.

They all start hitting each other and one asks me,

“What would you do if I hit you in the nuts?”

“I would hit you in the nuts. Fuck security we will settle this like men.”

Like men I say.


Read More...

6.16.2008

My Daily Rant - 6.16.08 - Please stop taking me places

When I say that I am an experience, I am telling the truth. Now I am not some cocky bastard that has beautiful white teeth and is entirely too sure of himself, no. I am a BLACK cocky bastard that has beautiful white teeth and is entirely too sure of himself.

I believe whole heartedly in that one person can start a movement and one person can change someone’s day. For example, a telemarketer called my house asking for my father. Here is how the conversation went –

Jacques – “He is not home”

Lady – “Can I leave a message”

Jacques – “HAHAHAHA…no.”

Lady – “Then I will call back every five minutes until he picks up”

Jacques – “You are bluffing”

Lady – “No I am n-“ *click*.

5 minutes ON THE DOT the phone rings again.

Lady – “Told you so”

Jacques – “Damn, miss fine, I will let you leave a message”

She tells me her name and I take the message and I asked her –

Jacques – “Why are you so strung up? Take that tampon out of your ass”

Lady – “You’re funny. But I really needed to speak with him. And I have been stressed all day”

Jacques – “Lady, you sound WAY to pretty to be stressed. Look go do yourself a favor and stop calling black people’s houses and getting the rudeness from us. Call some old white folk. They will entertain you”

Lady – “I will take that into consideration”

Jacques – “Good. Now you DO KNOW that I am not going to give my father your number. He is married”

Lady – “I will just have to call back again”

Jacques – “Then I will have to fucking kill you”

*Click*
So Danny and Jen decide to drag me to the movies although I did not want to do. We ended up seeing Hulk so I decided to be a typical Jacques at the time.

The moment we got there the sarcasm started –

“One ticket for Hulk please and no I do not want to donate to kids with cancer.”

“OMG I HOPE THIS MOVIE HAS A SEX SCENE.

Donovan – why?

BECAUSE IT WILL BE LIKE A BLACK GUY FUCKING AN ASIAN CHICK.”

“Imagine how big and green he is in bed?”

Eventually a bald security guard decided to chime in –

“Hey kid, please stop with the cursing it is annoying me”

So what did I do? I became an ass.

“O REALLY? Ok fine. Jen, it seems like I have to edit myself. *BLEEEP* this line and *BLEEP* you.”

(Keep in mind I was actually saying the bleeps).

“*BLEEP* My *BLEEP* HURTS. Ugh I am serious.”

The old guy then tells me to stop being so obnoxious.

“*BLEEP* CAN A BLACK MAN CATCH *BLEEPING* BREAK?”

Needless to say I saw the movie and it was alright and after in our usual congregation we find out that these girls COVERED Grambo’s car in papers. Why? Because they decided too. Needless to say it was warranted.

Read More...

6.15.2008

My Daily Rant - 6.15.08 - Some girls are just so naive

I love soccer. There is no reason as to why I have an infatuation with this sport, but it is there. Now we have already talked about soccer as it is and this rant has NOTHING to do with soccer BUT I felt I must express one thought that I came up with during the Russian game yesterday.

In the crowd, how many of you want to bet that 95% of the Russian fans were probably inebriated to the highest extent yesterday?

I do.

Russians are crazy when it comes to alcohol. I mean, they invented Vodka.

<3

Therefore, as I was getting ready to work I have decided that my little brother has more freedom than I do. Why do I say this?

“Jacques, I am leaving”

“Did you tell Mom?”

“Fuck that, tell her to call me if she has a problem”

Woa. I cannot even say that now. He just…leaves. It hurts every time he does it and I cannot take it anymore!

Yea…ok.

To be honest it does not bother me at all. BUT the day he comes home drunk/high will be the day I lose my fit in the inner cavities of his ass.

I head to work briskly because I was about to be late. That is a normal thing with me that I have grown to accept and move past. I am late just like every other cliché African American. I go on break in the middle of helping people. I am extremely rude to customers who do not offer to show me their daytime reflectors (breasts). I have slapped someone in my store.

Baby Powder and all.

Also, when someone comes to deliver food I am a bad tipper. Why you may ask? Because all this man did was drive 5 minutes down the street carrying food to my lazy ass. I would tip the guy if he told me a joke when he arrived with my food. EVEN A BLACK JOKE WOULD SUFFICE.

“Why does Beyonce say to the left to the left?

Why?

Because black people have no rights”

Terrible? Yes. But that joke would make me tip this Chinese man. O! did I forget? Yesterday when I ordered Chinese I expected an kind of old Chinese man to bring it to me. What I got in return was actually an old white man.

Wtf?

Why would you do that to yourself?

Ugh.

So earlier in this note I told everyone about how I am a complete asshole to the customers. One chick came in yesterday (she was not hot so therefore she required the utmost disrespect) saying she lost her keys. I said, “Everything is going to be O.K” and she said everything won’t be.

“Do not sweat it. You do not have to worry about the rapists that wait outside the food court or the terrorists that work at the lotion stand. Also, the gang rate in this mall has dropped 1% AND due to the fact that Abercrombie and Hollister are on its way over here the black percentage has dropped 30% anyways. You will be fine.”

Needless to say, I hope she never found her Gotdamn car keys.

Read More...